Unexplained sadness

There is something about Sundays.

This afternoon, despite a very productive morning, a wave a sad hit.

In the midst of taking care of things online, dutifully trying to avoid pregnancy announcements and updates on Facebook, I just got overwhelmed.

I’m doing all I can to take charge of our destiny – which I *know* is to be parents (I just don’t know how).

That’s it. I’m just sad.

Really?

I’ve been meaning to blog about this for weeks (okay months) but usually by the time I make it home from work my ‘I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face’ headache has subsided.

Outside my office is one of those phone booth ads which is lit from behind. You know the kind. They advertise an upcoming movie or event. The offending poster – just outside my subway stop, for the past three months has been an ad for the “Giuliana & Bill” show. For those (like me) who don’t know who the heck Giuliana & Bill are – they are reality TV ’stars’ who have launched their own reality show.

Anyway, the poster shows them on a couch with a bunch of bunnies and the ‘cute’ (to be read with MUCH sarcasm) tag line “If first you don’t conceive, try, try again.” [I'd link to it here, but in no way do I want to be associated with that asinine show.]

I’m not a big TV watcher, but all I can think on my way to the subway is – “We ARE trying dammit!”

*****
In other news, I heard back from my RE and we could start a natural FET as soon as this weekend (yikes!) but with my acupuncturist in India from 2/5 to 2/21, I think we’ll probably wait until next month and do the cycle in a way that feels supported. So this month, will be more charting, hopefully well-timed sex, TCM (herbs & such) and wishing/praying. I reserve the right to change my mind so you may see an about face by this weekend!

The power of careful words?

Just got home from a lovely ‘just because’ visit to North Carolina where my parents live. Just because there is a direct flight. Just because the price of that flight was decent. Just because DH was many time zones away. Just because.

As my mom drove me to the airport today she made a comment that perhaps I should stop referring to our IVF ‘failures’ – and think of something less final. Like ’rounds’ – or something.

To give some background, she’s had massive health challenges (though not any related to conceiving…) and her therapist has been adamant about the power of positive thinking.

I’m not sure I am convinced, but if I’m willing to allow DH to repeatedly stick me in the ass with needles full of powerful drugs, willing to buy into uterine massage and willing to pay someone weekly to stick needles in my arms, legs and face to become a mom – changing how I use words can’t hurt right?

In other news, my acupuncturist quit her clinic and is going out on her own. But first, she’ll be headed to India for a month. While I totally support her decision, I’m worried because if we are going to do a natural FET, I really want her support. I’m calling the doctor this week to see what is involved (schedule-wise) to see if I can work this out. The other possible roadblock is a trip to London for work in mid-March, but first things first.

And, finally, glad to have some new visitors thanks to ICLW! Another welcome – and more info here if you’re interested.

Welcome ICLWers

Happy ICLW -

It’s been a while since I participated in one of these, so here’s a quick bit about me and where I find myself at the start of 2010.

• Mid-30s, Brooklynite
• Married since 2004 to a wonderful, wonderful partner
• At the beck & call of corporate clients at a behemoth of a PR agency in Manhattan (serious threat to the goal of work/life balance!)
• TTC since November 2007
• Blogger since July 2009
• Blocked left fallopian tube, otherwise, unexplained IF
• Not one, but two failed IVF cycles
• Currently letting acupuncture, other alternative therapies & Chinese medicine take the lead, but …
• Likely embarking on a FET adventure in late Feb (unless a miracle happens in the next 28 days)
• Pregnant SIL
• Grateful for the support of this community since many IRL friends have disappointed

Looking forward to meeting you!

Here we go again…

Guess what arrived today – early. Yep, my most (un)welcome monthly visitor. I’m sad because I had let hope creep in this month. Everything timed right, bizarre tugs that several times stopped me in my tracks from my uterus, high BBT temps much longer than usual…

But then, in the middle of a client call unmistakable cramps.

Guess that means operation FET is in effect for late February.

The only consolation is that tomorrow I am going to buy the biggest latte I can find and I won’t have to avoid great North Carolina microbrews this weekend visiting my family.

Quiet apartment, random musings

DH is off on a 10 day trip and after a long week at work, I treated myself to a day with no schedule.

Funny when I’m not attached to a ‘to do’ list my mind comes up with funny things. For example:

My spin teacher just broke up with her boyfriend so all of today’s music was around the themes of ‘you don’t need him anymore’ — ‘be strong’ and ‘men suck’

I’ve secretly wanted to get trained to teach spin for years, but haven’t acted on it beyond occasionally checking to see what certification classes are coming up. So today’s break-up soundtrack made me wonder what I’d play to reflect my mood over the last two years. 

It would be hard to spin to, but “I will survive” comes to mind.

Any suggestions for a TTC/IF spin soundtrack?

Random thoughts

Even though I think it feels odd when not in a totally controlled (IVF) cycle, I suppose I am in the TWW again. According to my chart, confirmed by my acupuncturist, DH and I just may have done it on the right nights this time ’round. My cycle seems back to normal and so with some acupuncture, self-uterine massage and Chinese herbs (that taste like liquified mushrooms), I’m hoping that something will click.

But I’m still a realist, so discussions have begun about when we should try a FET. A lot of this is driven by finances. We are nearing our lifetime (insurance) limit for ART, but FET is significantly cheaper than a fresh cycle. No additional explorations into adoption, but that door is still very much open – even if this is the cycle.

DH is  on a plane to Korea for 10 days and I keep thinking how nice it would be to surprise him with good news when he gets back. I’ve played out the ‘how I would tell him’ scenario so many times — well 27 to be exact (since we tossed the BCPs) — and I know that I am just being silly. More than likely the ‘announcement’ will include a call from our RE or adoption attorney.

Sigh.

Just came from a get together of a group I belonged to — where there was MUCH discussion about kids. And, found out a few more folks at work are knocked up. Seems to surround me, but I know that I am hyper-sensitive.

And finally, DH’s cousin posted this as her Facebook status:

“Put this as your status if you or somebody you know has suffered BABY LOSS or INFERTILITY. ♥♥♥ The majority won’t put it on, because unlike cancer, baby loss/infertility is a taboo. ♥♥♥ Break the silence. ♥♥♥ In Memory of all the Angel babies gone too soon but never forgotten, and the babies who were not possible…”

I know she has suffered loss, but wish she was someone I could confide in.

Okay, it’s late and work has been BUSY – so I’ll sign off for now. Looking forward to a true catch up on all you bloggers this weekend. Watch out for comments on old posts!

(Also, why is my WordPress spell checker suggesting new words on this post!?! I get paid to write and provide counsel on communications. If I chose a word, I wanted to use that word! Clearly I need some sleep or a new target for my frustration…)

New day, new year, new choices

Well returning to work today was as miserable as I thought it would be. Cold, dreary and co-workers in foul moods. I scheduled my acupuncture appointment for 7 p.m. to ensure I got out on time and to have something to look forward to. Tomorrow I’m trying the uterine massage again.

DH and I had agreed to take three months to recover from IVF#2’s failure and get all systems back on track. Hard to believe, but month #3 is almost over. I’m definitely feeling a bit more ‘normal’ — cycle’s back to pre-IVF and we’ve actually (gasp!) been enjoying sex. I’ve also been charting, taking some Chinese herbs and of course the acupuncture and uterine massage. From an intellectual perspective, it’s been very interesting to observe my body through the lens of Chinese medicine – much more holistic, but perhaps not as instantly satisfying as seeing my uterine lining on a grainy black & white screen at 7 a.m. Needles remain the constant.

So over the next few weeks we’ll be making a decision – keep up with the acupuncture-supported natural method or go for a frozen cycle using the four frozen embryos. My guess at this point? We’ll go with a frozen cycle supported by acupuncture… unless something else happens this month.

In the meantime, sending good thoughts to all about to embark on their next steps – May 2010 bring BFPs to all!

You can prepare but…

For those who have been following, I recently found out an IRL friend was going through IF - and about to start her first IVF cycle. Well, I played support and did everything I thought she needed (including listening in excruciating detail about her challenges with her husband). And though I had prepared myself for this — she just emailed that she got her BFP. She’s 7 1/2 weeks along.

I’m trying to be happy. Really trying. But who succeeds on their first cycle? I (intellectually) know that it wasn’t easy for her, but it seemed easy.

To add insult to injury, we’re slated to spend New Year’s Eve with them, so I am coming up with a way to add more people to the mix.

I just want to cry.

Back from a sunny holiday

Well, we’re back from our last-minute vacation (booked two weeks ago completely on frequent flier & hotel points). DH and I realized that it had been almost three years since we had taken an honest-to-goodness vacation – just the two of us. We definitely travel a lot, but almost everything we do involves work, a Jewish holiday or family obligation.

Our criteria were direct flight from one of New York’s airports, south of here and no family within a hundred-mile radius. Puerto Rico fit the bill — and it was lovely. Yes, chock full of families, but we got upgraded to a room with a beautiful view of the ocean and a private balcony. As we were leaving a most unwelcome visitor arrived – and flying on cd1 is never fun – but we were on vacation.

I read two books, exercised, ate (and drank!) well.

We got home late Sunday night and I’ve taken a few days off this week to do errand-y things like laundry, buy new running shoes and weed out the excess junk in my closet.

And, catch up on my blog reading of course!

This is also the start of the third month of letting acupuncture & other eastern methods take the lead in our IF journey. My acupuncturist feels really optimistic – and, well – I’m not sure how I feel. Cautiously facing in the direction of hope?