Really? It’s been since September since I posted?!? It hasn’t been lack of activity that forced an 8 month break. (Ironic that in a different situation, I could have almost had a baby in that amount of time…)

So let’s see –

In the time since we were officially ‘paper ready’ according to the state of New York, we have done four rounds of what’s called ‘blitz’ advertising. We’ve met three birth moms and had multiple, seemingly ‘good’ situations fall through. We’ve had to determine our risk tolerance for drugs (not just drugs, broad stroke, but what specific kind of prenatal drug use are we willing to consider), mental illness, incarceration…and the list goes on. Things are moving – sometimes fast, sometimes at a snail’s pace.

It’s been a challenge and if anyone’s still out there, I’ll bring this up to date slowly. But I’m back. I’m back on the blog to find a place to share my feelings. I’ve missed it.


Paper ready

What a whirlwind the last three months have been!

This blog has served as not only a lifeline to other folks dealing with similar situations and a great source of support, advice and information – but it is also a bit of a journal through the ups and downs (okay, mostly downs) of our infertility journey.

It is in that capacity that I’d like to mark a pretty significant milestone in our adoption process. Frankly I’m also curious if anyone has kept me on their radar screen since I’ve been a miserable commenter/participant in this community! It’s the season of atonement in Judaism so please know that I really am sorry. Even if I’m not actively commenting, you all remain in my prayers and I am in awe of the strength that exists in this world.

But on to other subjects – like the fact that DH and I are now officially paper ready – meaning that the NY court system has found us fit to be adoptive parents! In addition to the paper-heavy process, we’ve also done quite a bit to get ready for the next stage – finding a birth mom/family. We’ve read a ton, joined a ‘waiting families’ support group, filled in some key friends and family members, started to (gulp) think about names, details like maternity leave for me, finalize our profile, etc. In typing it out, it seems paltry, but it has been hugely consuming, but in a really positive way.

There’s honestly too much to add here, but suffice it to say that the search for a birth mom/family begins in a week – and I’m sure that the REAL roller coaster starts then.

Wish us luck!

A new chapter

There is something ironic about perusing the eight (you read that correctly, eight) books on adoption in a Park Slope book store. The section is right by the enormous kids section and dwarfed by cookbooks touting vegan, holistic infant foods guaranteed to make your baby gifted. There are toddlers running everywhere and just-hatched infants swaddled over beautiful mothers’ shoulders. The customer service desk practically yelled a response when I asked where I could find a specific book – “Our adoption section is TINY!’ – causing at least five people to turn and stare at me (or her). Not an auspicious start…

I know it’s been a while since I posted and a lot has happened – and I’m excited, terrified, thrilled and sad all at the same time. We’ve decided to pursue adoption – domestic, private – and we’re on the steepest part of the learning curve. As with other major milestones in my life, the trip to the bookstore made it real – and fueled my suspicion that this is not the right neighborhood for us.

To catch any possible readers (who have bothered to keep checking in on my long-dormant blog) up – we had our WTF meeting with Dr. TAL that revealed…nothing. We are 100% unexplained – which is all the three doctors we’ve seen agree on. If we want to move forward with ART, donor egg is the next step. We’re tired and given that I am now considered ‘young’ for donor egg, we’re going to wait for a  bit on that – if at all.

And (drum roll please), we’re going to adopt. The truth is that I’ve always thought that I’d adopt and I’ve always wanted a big family. DH and I even talked about it early on in our relationship. But I thought that we’d have a biological child first. So I suppose that the ‘loss’ I’m supposed to be grieving (according to the adoption-after-infertility books I’ve been reading ) isn’t as acute? Or maybe it is. Either way, we’re determined to be parents and if that means that I don’t get to have the experience of carrying a child and bringing him or her into the world, so be it.

We are almost done with the first round of NY state paperwork, have retained an attorney (that we met with last year), are in the midst of scheduling a home study with our assigned social worker, have spoken at length to our financial planner, have tracked down all addresses we’ve had for the last 28 years (quite a task!), and have asked two close friends and our bosses for reference letters.

In the midst of the paperwork flurry our last local couple friends without kids announced they are pregnant and my best childhood friend announced she’s pregnant with #2. Both are aware of our situation and have been supportive, but they are definitely in the ‘it was easy’ category. We’re still considering raising money for the adoption by hiring ourselves out as fertility charms…for other people.

And so that’s it. A very big new chapter – perhaps even a new book – but one that we are excited about, albeit nervous. Since I picked an innocuous blog name I think I’ll just stay here. Hope you’ll stay with us for the journey. I think I could use the support…

….yep, another BFN.

DH and I are devastated.

For those still reading and keeping count, some numbers:

Fresh cycle #4 was a fail, along with fresh cycles 1, 2, and 3…not to mention frozen cycles 1 & 2.

I’m guessing that Dr. TAL will (again) be stumped…as were doctors #1 and #2.

I’m also guessing that the numbers – the out of pockets costs – are going to be significant. We’ve gone through our lifetime max on insurance carrier #2…as we did on insurance carrier #1.


But, buried deep in my grieving soul is a slight glimmer that we WILL be parents. I just need to lick my wounds, potentially mourn the loss of my chance to carry a child, experience pregnancy. Just a day or two before hatching a new plan. Details to come. Curled up on the couch for now.

101st Post

Word Press just informed me that this is my 101st post on this blog. Sometimes it’s the little things….

Today was a 5-day transfer of three little embryos. Dr. TAL had recommended an aggressive approach (given my age – now 34 – and utter failure to ever achieve a pregnancy). The doctor on duty today told me that the three embryos were ‘fair’ – grade C for two and one not developed enough for a grade. So, we did the deed and now I suppose I am PUPO. My amazing acupuncturist made a house call this afternoon so hopefully all qi is helping something stick.

My birthday weekend was. Yep, that’s right. I was chaperoning my mother-in-law while DH was at a bachelor party in New Orleans at Jazz Fest. Sigh. I did my best to pack the schedule so we checked out the cherry blossom festival at the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens, visited my sister-in-law and her son, saw Water For Elephants, ate and walked a lot. A few asked if this was my choice … and the answer … no, not really, but at the end of the day it did pass the time.

So the next 10 days will include lots of pineapple, attempts to keep calm and wishes/prayers/hopes.

The stats

The numbers are in – and I’m cautiously optimistic.

27 retrieved

16 fertilized with ICSI

14 embryos

Tomorrow or Sunday could be the transfer so I’m going for an acupuncture treatment tomorrow morning before work and then I have one scheduled for Saturday afternoon.

And what’s on tap for this weekend? My mother-in-law is staying with me for three days while DH is in New Orleans for a bachelor party at Jazz Fest. Apparently my mother-in-law thought it was sad that I was spending my birthday alone. Yep, that’s right. Saturday I turn 34.

Here we go again.

Overdue update

Hmmm – somehow it is not only April, but almost the END of April – and I’ve been extremely delinquient in posting, commenting and participating in the blogosphere in general. Apologies to anyone who is still around!

Much to say and thus bullets seem in order:

  • We got going on another IVF cycle – #4 – which is our last that is covered by insurance. (DH’s work thankfully switched carriers after the first two cycles!)
  • So far, despite having been out-of-town for the first 10 days – thus was essentially stimming unsupervised (long story) – I seem to be in good shape. (Note – I was only unsupervised for 4 days – I just reread that and it looks like I am doing a rogue cycle! I essentially missed one monitoring WITH my doctor’s approval)
  • Due to monitoring both weekend days – and some AWFUL weather – we ended up not traveling upstate for my nephew’s first birthday, which was both sad and also sort of a relief (yes, I’m a bad aunt sometimes….when the little green monster on my shoulder is acting up).
  • Went in for blood work and u/s this morning and the doctor on duty commented that I am responding well. I held my tongue and didn’t mention that I always respond well – but something else seems to be going on. We’ll see what they are able to retrieve and fertilize.
  • Trigger shot is tonight at 11:30 p.m. and I had the nurse draw a big circle on my rear so DH won’t miss!
  • Retrieval is on Tuesday morning…
  • DH is going to a bachelor party at Jazz Fest on Friday and his mother is coming to visit for MY birthday. Not exactly what I wanted this year, but her heart’s in the right place. I’m currently working on a packed itinerary to both pass the TWW and keep MIL busy!

So, though I don’t deserve it based on my own participation in the blogging community these past few months – I would REALLY appreciate any prayers, vibes, juju, etc. for a BFP this go-round.

Bad blogging

I’m still here. Just very little to say.

We’re waiting for my period so we can get started on the next cycle. Apparently insurance has one more left for us. Hope it’s the one…

[Warning, a rambling post…a small window into the mess that is my thinking process these days]

* Did you ever think that pop culture was conspiring to make things harder? I’m a long-time fan of Grey’s Anatomy and have watched the show through all of the melodramatic ups and downs. But this latest storyline, with Meredith on fertility drugs pushed me a bit far this week. While I do think they’re handling it well – including showing some of the irrational thinking we all go through (e.g., if someone else is pregnant, I’ve lost my chance) – I did find myself crying multiple times during the show.

* This week brought a little healing after last week’s BFN, but DH and I don’t know where to go from here. IVF #4? Start the paperwork for an adoption? Both?

* On the IVF #4 front, we have a little bit of money left that insurance will pay for – and Dr. TAL (along with RE#1 and RE#2) is stumped. He is really encouraging us to do another cycle – which would start mid-March. I’m turning 34, so it feels like we should go forward with at least one more while the money is available and I’m still (reproductively speaking) young.

* On the adoption front, we’ve already met with an attorney that we like and so all we have to do to start the process is send her a check to ‘retain’ her … and then the NY state paperwork, home-study process takes about 3 months. We attended an all-day adoption seminar about 14 months ago and are pretty sure we’d do a domestic adoption.

* The bottom line is that we want to be parents. We’ll get there, but it’s really hard to figure out how. And to keep my chin up when we live in a neighborhood FULL of kids, are surrounded by friends and acquaintances with seemingly endless Facebook updates about new pregnancies, babies and funny things their kids say.

* Tomorrow DH’s sister is bringing her 10-month old over to celebrate DH’s birthday. She knows about last week’s BFN and I’m really on the fence about whether I want to get together, but I’m burying that feeling and keeping a smile on my face for DH’s family. That’s what he wants.

* And finally, we have some gift certificates to Borders, which is in bankruptcy. Any suggestions of good adoption books to look into?

Happy President’s weekend to those of you that are still reading…

…to get a call with positive results?

We still don’t know.

The call came today – our fifth (assisted) BFN.

Our 39th BFN since we officially tossed the birth control.

But who’s counting right?

Angry. Sad. Upset. Unsure about the next step.

Check. Check. Check. And, check.