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Archive for August, 2009

In the system … or not

Since last week’s BFN I’ve been feeling a little bit lost. The IVF protocol – as stressful, occasionally painful and confusing as it may be – at least provided some grounding. I knew what days I needed to be up at 5 a.m. to trek to the clinic. I knew that between 4 and 7 p.m. I’d get a call from a nurse telling me exactly what to inject into my body and at what time. I knew that there was the *possibility* that something might come of what I was doing – if only I could do everything exactly right.

And now?

Now I don’t even know what happened! I left a series of messages for my RE since the first available WTF appointment wasn’t available until September 2. He finally returned my call to say that they don’t have the embryologist report yet, but they always recommend at least a month’s rest between cycles.

AF came and went. Only slightly more painful than usual. Now I am contemplating whether I should invest in a new OPK. You never know and it has been a LONG time since DH and I did what you need to do to conceive – at least according to what you learn in school.

So, what I realized is that when I am not in the middle of the clinic’s system, I am lost and getting to know myself again.

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Raining in Brooklyn

Thanks to all for the support this week. I decided to concentrate this weekend on things that make me happy, that keep me centered and basically get me out of my own head.

You may notice (or not) that I have added a link to one of my favorite on-line sites to the blog. I would love any suggestions of things that keep you centered.

So – for those interested, here’s what I did to lift my mood and take my mind off last week. Left work a bit early on Friday – because I could – and worked from home until exactly 5 p.m., at which point I went to the gym! It was fantastic to be back after weeks of clinic-imposed rest.

I know, I know. I was allowed to walk, but for someone who – on a normal day- walks many miles to and from subways, around the city, etc. walking isn’t the same as my weekly spin classes or time at my yoga studio.

DH and I had a nice dinner on Friday with all the goodies we got from our CSA. Epicurious came through again, though I still don’t understand how zucchini can ‘wilt’ – tasty nonetheless.

On Saturday I worked out again (yay!), hit the library and farmers’ market. Then, we took a field trip to eat some delicious treats, check out Ikea (yes, we might be the only people we know who have never been to an Ikea) and shop at our favorite market – Fairway. Next we hit the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Annex that just opened in SoHo, followed by dinner in TriBeCa. A busy day and back to the normal pace DH and I used to keep.

Today was also lovely. Brunch with cousins in town for the weekend, a wonderful yoga class, typical Sunday trip to the laundromat – and then a bit of work.

So, thanks to trying to re-engage with my life and some much-appreciated support from the on-line community, we’re doing okay.

Now we’ll see what the conversation with our doctor turns up. I’d love to know our next steps…

Off to watch Entourage.

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Disappointment

I’m sharing the news with my blog before any of my IRL support system. Today’s call from the clinic – BFN. My first IVF failure.

I’m heart broken, trying to keep it together at work and just sad.

To add insult to injury, my biggest task this week has been taking on a new account from a co-worker going on maternity leave. Lots of talk about how uncomfortable she is, etc. I’ve been trying to be neutral, but inside I was just hoping that this would be the week.

So I went in for the blood test early this morning. DH and I decided that when I got the results call I would let it go to voice mail and that we would call together to retrieve the message. I should have – but couldn’t – wait until after I had to conduct a client call to listen. We were both really sad after the message, but had to go right back to work.  Though I did fine on the call with our client, my heart wasn’t in it. I don’t usually go to food for comfort, but I did just eat a bag of M&Ms off our Thursday ‘snack cart’ (management’s trick to keep us at our desks all day).

The first available appointment with our doctor isn’t until September 2, which would mean waiting another month before trying again. We didn’t explicitly discuss it, but immediately after listening to the message DH and I started talking about ‘next time’ – so I think we are in agreement there. The doctor’s nice assistant said he’ll give me a call back to discuss whether I am clear to start again right away, if anything was able to be frozen or if we have to wait.

Any thoughts on how to cheer myself up to keep going?

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TWW

I work at a PR agency, which means that my time is broken into billable hours. At the end of each day (realistically more like at the end of each week) I log my time. In 15 minute increments.

So today, as I searched for phrases like ‘symptoms of pregnancy during tww’ I wondered where I was going to account for that time.

Okay. Not really. But the thought did occur to me, which counts right?

Though I’ve followed many bloggers’ excruciating tww – I am in awe of how difficult this is! The uncertainty, the hope, the fear that nothing sticks…and the progesterone shots. They transferred one blastocyst and one ‘caviating morula’ last week. Both in seemingly good shape.

We’re getting better at the shots though. This weekend we were at a black tie fundraiser in the town where I grew up – which was set to run way over the three-hour window that we have for the shot. My loving DH found the hotel concierge who guarded the band’s ‘green room’ while he gave me the shot. Definitely one of the stranger experiences – to know that most of the community I grew up with was just outside the door – and be surrounded by half-eaten plates of pasta and guitar cases.

Anyway, for now I am just waiting. Overanalyzing every small cramp, headache and pang of soreness in my breast. From what I can glean in my searching, there are no specific signs. I just have to be patient.

Day 28 pregnancy test is Thursday. Fingers remain securely crossed.

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So two of my nominees for a lovely blog award nominated me too. At first I thought back to the mailed (remember snail mail) chain letters I used to get from my camp friends, then to the inital days of email and wondered – is this just the 2009 version of chain mail? Upon reflection – I think not. It’s much better.

The difference here is that I started blogging to *find* a community. To not struggle with IF alone. To make connections that I can’t seem to do IRL. To have a place of my own. To stop lurking.

The idea of one lovely blog awards is proof that I have begun to do that. I get really excited when I see a new comment – and have started to feel included in a group of people who share a common life experience (for better or worse – okay for worse).

So, while I don’t have 15 to nominate yet, I will share a few of my favorites:

Slice of Pie

Inconceivable

The Pitter Patter

My Struggles with Infertility

Womb for Improvement

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Waiting

So day 3 of the 2ww is here. Amazing how slowly time goes.

The transfer was relatively easy except that the doctor spent the whole time chit chatting about how he went to summer camp where I grew up. When he walked in (me already in stirrups) he settled in and said, “You look familiar. Have I seen you yet?”

In the clinic you see whichever doctor is on duty for ultrasounds, so perhaps I saw him. The first question that came to mind was, “I wonder if he recognizes my face or my….?”

Anyway, felt okay right after the transfer and then pretty lousy once I got home. I took the day off and spent the afternoon/evening on my couch reading an entire book. (Thanks to some chick lit recommendations from friends…though I’m not sure this one was worth it. It’s all the local library had in stock.)

And so now I wait. I don’t know if there are signs I should be looking for, but mostly I am just sending good vibes downward, going to my accupuncturist and praying that something sticks!

This weekend we go to visit my parents so I’m trying to figure out where to get the bloodwork done in their small mountain town.

Thanks for all the support and blog award nominations. Planning to post my own soon.

Fingers crossed…

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Monday

Just got the call from the nurse and we are going in on Monday for a day five transfer. I just took a long walk in our local park and am looking forward to a movie tonight. Will update the blog when there is more to post. For now, just hoping that our little embies are growing in the lab!

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