Archive for October, 2009

More detail

Thanks for all the supportive comments. For whatever reason, I am more upset by failure number 2 than I was by the first. I think I thought that in the first go-round things could work out, but they really didn’t know what they were doing. Surely with the second they’d have some of the mysteries figured out. Right?

Logically, of course not. But a girl can dream right?

One of the things that made this so hard was *how* I found out. When I went for the blood test in the morning the clinic had me fill out a form with the number I wanted to be called on – and an alternate. DH and I had already discussed how we wanted to hear the results (when we got home, together), so I put my cell and his cell.
So around 1 my cell rang with the clinic’s number. I let it go to VM. Two minutes later my office phone rang with a number I didn’t recognize. Now, to fully understand how much this sucked, you need to know that I sit in an open office – cubicles for all including the CEO.
I answered the phone and my least favorite nurse just blurted out the news. “Your test was negative.”
No sorry. No next steps.
I immediately grabbed my cell and ran to the only conference room with a solid door (the rest have glass all around) and called DH sobbing. Only to be interrupted 3 minutes later by an account team that had reserved the room.
After I pulled myself together a bit, I sent an email to DH saying that I was going to buy the biggest latte I could find. And my wonderful, wonderful life partner left work and met me in a park between our two offices while I sobbed into a brownie and drank coffee.
It’s hard to be alone in New York and so a couple huddled on a bench, wife sobbing and husband comforting inevitably attract attention. But, then again that can be a good thing. About 20 minutes after we sat down a nanny walked by with her charge, stopped and turned to me and said, “What’s your name?”
She then said “It’s going to be okay,” and walked away with the toddler. So I am choosing to believe that somewhere in this big city someone included me in her prayers.
So next steps? No idea just yet. My doctor called and they were able to freeze 4 fertilized eggs of good quality and we’re going to meet with him the week of November 9. Stay tuned — and again, thank you to all who have sent messages of support, who read this blog and who understand what we are going through.

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Big fat f-ing N

I’m too upset, tired, sad, angry and numb to write any more. Later, the gory details on the ‘reveal’ … and this month marks month 24 of TTC.

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Mental Health Day

Despite my goal of looking for distractions, I had quite a few tearful moments over the weekend. I’m sure that DH thinks I’m even more insane – but the truth is that in a time when I need him to be strong he’s also pretty down due to stress at work, a full-time EMBA program and of course, the tww, which I forget is hard on him too.

About 4 p.m. yesterday I realized that I needed a bit of self-nuturing. A day to be quiet. A day to run my neighborhood errands without dodging the weekend hordes. A day to write the proposal that’s been hanging over my head.

And here it is. My day.

I never call in sick and have one of those jobs where even when I call in sick, the emails and calls keep rolling in. I have a hard time turning off – and it’s something I struggle with. So to take a day just for me is a big deal.

So far the sun is shining. The apartment is on the clean side. My errand list is reasonable and I have been pretty productive.

My treat to myself is to take a book to a local coffee shop (don’t worry, decaf green tea for me) and enjoy a few hours this afternoon.

Of course, there is a ttc piece to this. The clinic that I’ve been going to for acupuncture has a book about five ‘fertility types’ – which is actually pretty fascinating – that I’m going to finish. I won’t link to it here because I am trying to remain a bit anonymous – and the circles are getting a little closer here.

So, back to the mental health day!

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Today is one week since the retrieval, a few days (slow, long — did I mention slow) into the tww.

I am actively looking for distractions and trying not to over-analyze symptoms, or non-symptoms.

The good news is that a few weeks ago I cashed in some useless Capital One reward points for a slow cooker and it arrived this week. Given that winter seems to have decided the middle of October is a perfect time to arrive — and they are predicting snow (!) tonight — I may try it out. Chili seems like a sensible thing to make with all the random stuff that the CSA delivered this week.

Any tips for massive amounts of arugula and other wild greens? I’ve already made and frozen enough pesto to feed the entire block. Epicurious will be my friend this weekend.

And off to other distractions…

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Thanks for all the well wishes. I found out today (at 11:30 a.m.!) that I needed to be at the hospital for a day 3 transfer at 2:45 p.m. I’m sure my co-workers think I am insane, but I gave some vague excuse for leaving work and met DH uptown.

While initially I was worried that a day 3 transfer meant something was wrong, but we asked to speak to the doctor on duty (I may have mentioned we are at a very large clinic and  you see whichever doctor is available) — and lo and behold, it was our doctor, Dr. G. I took that as a good sign.

He explained that given what they discovered on IVF#1, my follicles seem to mature really early – and they opted for a day 3 transfer in case it’s just a case of my body being a better ‘incubator’ than a petri dish.

So they transferred two grade 1 embryos and according to his commentary all seemed to go well. (Anyone else find it funny that both doctors that have done my transfers have been chatty  — right at the moment when I least want to chat?)

So after a long trip home (a perfect storm of rush hour traffic coinciding with cabs going off duty), I’ve spent the rest of the afternoon resting. Had a drink with pineapple (to encourage implantation) and ate kale at dinner (on my acupuncturist’s recommendation).

I’m very, very cautiously optimistic.

Thus begins the two week wait….

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Mixed up emotions

Twenty seven.

That’s the number after yesterday’s ‘harvest’ – 8 were immature, 17 were fertilized with ICSI.

And now we wait to see if Tuesday or Thursday is transfer day.

I spent the better part of yesterday afternoon asleep and on the couch – exhausted and crampy. Luckily, this has been such a hectic week that I had much good TV on the DVR queue – and a book club book that I need to finish by Tuesday. Our cat (“the monster”) was thrilled I was home and found every possible way to step on my sore belly.

The nurse who called this morning with the retrieval results was very excited and optimistic, but I’m somehow not able to get there. It’s a beautiful day in Brooklyn. Crisp, cool air. Beautiful vegetables at the farmers’ market. My favorite season. DH home all day and no obligations for either of us to leave the neighborhood. I have work to do, but nothing burning. So what’s wrong?

Well, there was the front page article in the New York Times, a tough conversation with DH’s mom that made him upset — and just an unexplained, unsettled feeling.

But then again, there are 17 little fertilized eggs in a clinic in Manhattan. Maybe one is *the* one?

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Trigger time!

Tonight was the trigger shot – so retrieval is Saturday morning.

Fingers, eyes and toes crossed for a good ‘harvest’ this time around.

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