Thanks for all the supportive comments. For whatever reason, I am more upset by failure number 2 than I was by the first. I think I thought that in the first go-round things could work out, but they really didn’t know what they were doing. Surely with the second they’d have some of the mysteries figured out. Right?
Logically, of course not. But a girl can dream right?
One of the things that made this so hard was *how* I found out. When I went for the blood test in the morning the clinic had me fill out a form with the number I wanted to be called on – and an alternate. DH and I had already discussed how we wanted to hear the results (when we got home, together), so I put my cell and his cell.
So around 1 my cell rang with the clinic’s number. I let it go to VM. Two minutes later my office phone rang with a number I didn’t recognize. Now, to fully understand how much this sucked, you need to know that I sit in an open office – cubicles for all including the CEO.
I answered the phone and my least favorite nurse just blurted out the news. “Your test was negative.”
No sorry. No next steps.
I immediately grabbed my cell and ran to the only conference room with a solid door (the rest have glass all around) and called DH sobbing. Only to be interrupted 3 minutes later by an account team that had reserved the room.
After I pulled myself together a bit, I sent an email to DH saying that I was going to buy the biggest latte I could find. And my wonderful, wonderful life partner left work and met me in a park between our two offices while I sobbed into a brownie and drank coffee.
It’s hard to be alone in New York and so a couple huddled on a bench, wife sobbing and husband comforting inevitably attract attention. But, then again that can be a good thing. About 20 minutes after we sat down a nanny walked by with her charge, stopped and turned to me and said, “What’s your name?”
She then said “It’s going to be okay,” and walked away with the toddler. So I am choosing to believe that somewhere in this big city someone included me in her prayers.
So next steps? No idea just yet. My doctor called and they were able to freeze 4 fertilized eggs of good quality and we’re going to meet with him the week of November 9. Stay tuned — and again, thank you to all who have sent messages of support, who read this blog and who understand what we are going through.
Oh shit. That is seriously the least empathetic thing I have ever heard. I am super sorry. But it’s wonderful that your DH was able to be there for you. I think the mystery nanny knew of what she speaks — it will be all right. Maybe not right now, but it will. Take care.
Gracie,
I have done the sobbing on park benches in NY while comforted by my husband too after a failed cycle or loss too. It is so strange to be in a city that makes privacy impossible but anonymity commonplace. I like your interpretation and agree – it sounds like that nanny included you in her prayers.
Again, I’m so sorry that this round didn’t work out. I think it’s completely understandable that the second failure hurts worse than the first.
Glad you have a regroup scheduled for Nov. 9th.
Thinking of you.
Mo
What is wrong with these nurses? It amazes me (and angers me too) that they can be so callous and unfeeling. I’m so sorry you had to learn your results that way. It is not ok.
I’m glad you have the WTF appointment so quickly. And 4 frozens is really good. It sounds like you keep making good quality embies, so maybe this is a implantation issue? I hope they do some more testing on you before moving forward again.
((HUGS))
What a crappy ass nurse. I would say something to your doctor about her. Although it probably won’t help it might bring a bigger problem about her to light. What a sucky day.
I’m glad you have DH close by so you can share moments like that. I’m sure it’s strange being in a public place like that and letting it all out, but I think something good may have come from it. I bet the nanny said a special prayer for you.
I think it’s great that you have 4 frozen embies waiting for you. Hopefully they can think of something new you can do to improve implantation the next go around.
Sending you (((hugs))).
Its hideous, I don’t think getting a negative gets any easier. In fact, I think it gets worse for the very reason you say. You’d assume that they’d learn from last time.
I wish I could say something more encouraging. We’ll get there, but its tough. really tough.
xx
Wow, how horrible. And how sweet of your husband to meet you in a park right away. I’m sure that doesn’t take any of the pain away, and I’m so sorry for the BFN. Take care of yourself and each other as you work through this.
Unfortunately Womb For Improvement’s right – it doesn’t get any easier getting a negative. And although the nurse blurted it out, even when they try to be nice, you only hear the first three words anyway: “I’m so sorry…”.
They could be giving you a laundry list or swearing about your grandmother after that – you’d never know as it just turns into blurb. I always made sure that either I had the day off or I was at least working from home when we were expecting the call, so that I was there to either console or celebrate. Sadly it was always consolation and comfort.
DH sounds like a wonderful man. He’s going to be hurting hugely too but if he’s anything like me he’ll be trying to be ‘the strong one’. I hope he gets his own time to grieve for the loss. That’s the weirdest thing – people who don’t go through it don’t realise what a real sense of loss there is.
By the way – the brownie was a *good* idea. It’s amazing what wild debauched calories can do for the blues.
Good luck for the 9th.
i’m so sorry to hear the news. i’ve been following your blog basically since the beginning, and i was praying things would be successful.
what i did love though, was that random nanny encounter. that just shows that there is a God up above who is walking with you through this.
i’ll be checking the blog around the 9th waiting for more news, and hopefully this time it’ll be good news.
Sorry just seems so simple & trite. Thinking of you & hoping you get a positive the next go around!
Oh -and I would definitely talk to the RE about the nurse.. that was just bad in every way.
(((HUGS)))
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