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Archive for November, 2009

Thankful for …

After an 8 (!) hour trip yesterday due to a train derailment, DH and I are upstate with his family. The weather is dreary and though my anxiety about being here with pregnant SIL and lots of kids was a bit overblown, it was also a bit accurate. My saving grace was going to be exercise – but I discovered this morning that my MIL had thrown out my sneakers. The not-so-interesting backstory – we leave sneakers here because at some point – a long time ago – we bought sneakers & thought it would be convenient to have a pair here. Consequently, I didn’t pack mine yesterday. Frustrated, I ended up taking a long walk in boots this morning until DH tracked me down and took me to Walmart to buy a new pair.

And, to add insult to injury, AF arrived on cd27 – early. Is that usual after an IVF cycle? My bbt was all over the place after ovulation, so I had no idea and didn’t pick up on the usual symptoms until too late. Luckily, I have a lifetime supply of tampons.

As I mentioned last post, DH and I attended a one-day conference on adoption last Sunday. We’ve not made any decisions but thought it too good of an opportunity to learn as much as possible. I will say that we were completely overwhelmed, but it was very helpful. Our main takeaways were probably a better understanding of the different paths that exist (agency vs. private adoption, domestic vs. international, etc.) and some important questions that we need to discuss.

So for today I am going to brace myself for the onslaught of baby discussion tonight. (As I type this my MIL is gushing about how SIL is feeling great, looking ‘adorable’ and just felt the baby kick for the first time.) Aren’t families wonderful…

I have quite a lot to be thankful for, but this year what I’m most thankful for is my wonderful, wonderful partner & best friend. His support is my anchor.

 Happy Thanksgiving to all!

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Blue Saturday

Well – here I am again on a Saturday having only made it through the small stuff on my ever-present ‘to do’ list. But before I launch into that – a big thank you to all who suggested books for my upcoming trip upstate to visit the in-laws (& pregnant SIL). I have quite a list — and even found a few available at the library. My mom also recommended the new Barbara Kingsolver book (which is set in my hometown in the 1940s).

Big changes at work over the last few weeks resulted in layoffs yesterday. While I knew they were coming (thanks to my position as the bottom rung of the new guy’s ‘management team’) they were still disconcerting & morale took a big plunge. I think I’m okay for a bit, but there is extra pressure to prove my worth. Not to mention the added stress of learning the ways to work with a new boss. While I often bring work home, I know that I really should have done much more today.

But, for some reason, I have been unable to shake a bad feeling. I’m nervous about Thanksgiving – and had a bizarre conversation with my mother-in-law this morning. Unlike my SIL, I love to cook and that has been one of the ways in which I have bonded with my mother-in-law (and, frankly, avoided conversations about IF). So this morning she informed me that I wasn’t invited to make anything for Thanksgiving. Instead, I was to be her sous chef…and clean up. I am choosing to think that this was a gesture of good will. She knows we are stressed and tired. But, it also made me sad.

I did a few errands and got to my spin class, which usually lifts my spirits. Today, however, I just felt nauseous the whole time. My IRL friend who is going through her first IVF cycle texted me to see if I wanted to go for a walk. She just had her retrieval yesterday and though I didn’t feel up to it at all, I knew she really wanted to talk about it. So we walked through the park for an hour or so. Since then, I’ve been *incredibly* unproductive. I even got sucked into a terrible movie (Hotel for Dogs in case you were wondering) showing on HBO.

Funny side note. As I went to get the link for the movie, the site barked & my cat jumped up out of a deep sleep).

Tomorrow DH and I are going to a one-day conference on adoption. We’ve not decided to completely change course, but we are exploring all options to becoming parents. The therapist we’ve been seeing mentioned that this is the best “one-stop shop” each year in New York. Plus, it is happening in Brooklyn, so it seemed silly to miss a chance to get some perspective on the process in an efficient way. Interestingly, before DH and I were married we discussed adopting at least one child. We just assumed it would be after we had the opportunity to have a biological child. Sigh.

So, happy Saturday to all.

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La di dah

Today I went in for my annual gynecologist appointment. This is the same doctor who referred me to my RE after telling me she was pregnant. I really like her and trust her, but at the time we had been trying for a year unsuccessfully and facing the possibility that we were going to need help from science if we wanted to be parents. What a year it has been…

As she administered the pap smear, she gave the normal warning about how I might feel pressure – blah, blah. I laughed and said, unless she was also using a catheter, no problem whatsoever.

So, that’s checked off the list.

In other news, I got my plan from my acupuncturist, have been back to charting my BBT and have enjoyed being able to exercise again. My temps have been all over the place, which was exacerbated by a well-meaning housekeeper at the hotel in New Orleans where I was for work – throwing away my chart & thermometer! I’m hoping that the roller coaster of emotions & early morning temperatures will subside once my body realizes that it is no longer being subjected to IVF (for now).

Next week should be interesting. We’re going to DH’s family and staying in a small house with my pregnant SIL and their 75 pound boxer ‘puppy’ — I’m currently looking for book and movie recommendations, because if I don’t plan activities and have an escape — let’s just say it will be a LONG weekend.

Any good books (without references to children, IF, ttc, etc.) or must-see movies that are available for renting or would be playing in a small town in upstate NY?

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I’m back – after an exhausting three-city tour with clients & a quick trip to visit family. I can’t tell you how thrilled I am to be typing this from my kitchen. In Brooklyn. DH on his guitar in the next room.

Since I’ve been so busy, I’m excited to catch up on my blog reading, restock the house with decent, healthy food and start putting my TTC plan in place. So a few updates:

1. We’ve decided to take a few months before starting a new IVF cycle (frozen or otherwise), but have our WTF appointment on Tuesday morning, right after our appointment with a therapist we’ve been seeing off & on. Once we have a better understanding of what happened this time around, we’re going to let acupuncture take the lead – and closely follow the program that my acupuncture clinic has. More about that in another post, but very top-line, they think that all women have a ‘fertility type’ and that the type can help guide food choices, exercise, etc. to help maximize fertility. The program recommends three months to prepare your body for conception – or before western intervention – and after the physical and emotional roller coaster of two failed IVF cycles – I’m ready for something that will help me reconnect with my body, my husband and myself.

2. I landed at LaGuardia yesterday about noon and got a call from a friend who lives in our neighborhood asking if I wanted to go for a walk. I’ve known her husband since I was 16 and we have gone out as couples a few times, but I am not super-close with her. It was one of those perfect fall days and since I was joining DH at an event in the evening, thought the exercise would be good. When we’d had dinner with them a few weeks ago she mentioned some ‘medical issues’ (which of course we interpreted as fertility issues because that’s all consuming these days…) and during our walk she opened up that they were starting their first IVF cycle after a few failed IUIs. Since the moment felt right, I told her about our struggle so far. I’ve told a few friends, but in large part they either have kids or are enjoying single-hood – so while they are supportive, they don’t understand. It was a relief to think that in addition to my very supportive online friends there is someone in the neighborhood, who both knows what we are going through and that I can provide some support.

And with that – off to enjoy some of the beautiful fall weather on my bike (determined to do everything that my RE said I shouldn’t during the IVF cycles). Take that infertility….

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Far away from home

I’m writing this from the 37th floor of a Marriott hotel. I’ve been traveling this week with a client – in New Orleans – and have decided that this might be the most unhealthy place I’ve ever encountered. I’ve been hard pressed to find a green vegetable that isn’t smothered in something or a dish that doesn’t include pork. I’m still not drinking much, despite last week’s BFN and have been trying to continue the coffee-free lifestyle I was working on. 

It’s frustrating to be here with clients, constantly ‘on’ and literally every conversation has been about kids, families, do I have kids, etc.  Last night’s dinner was a LONG affair in which I heard every last detail about my client’s two children and their quest for the third. My face was exhausted from wearing a fake ‘how interesting’ look all night.

It’s also been hard to be away for this long (nine straight days on the road) because it postponed our WTF appointment and an acupuncture appointment that I would have liked to have had.

I don’t know that we’re ready for another IVF cycle, so I am considering letting acupuncture take the lead. I really like the clinic I am going to and feel that I need to spend a few months trying to get everything back on track. And, of course, back to BBT charting and sex (ahh, something we haven’t done much of in the past few months…).

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