I work at a PR firm and ironically just received an email about ‘compelling blog headlines’ — but ‘update’ was the best I could do today.
So post BFN, I had a horrible weekend.
My SIL’s baby shower was hard. Very hard. Her other sister-in-law (BIL’s sister) put together an event that clearly required much thought, time and love. I felt like a miserable, jealous idiot because it was all I could do to show up and bring a store-bought gift. She baked cupcakes and hand-piped flowers (she’s a professional cake decorator AND cop), knit a gorgeous throw, gave everyone gifts and created a slew of personalized games. Plus she gave my SIL a bag full of toys and gifts.
I tried to keep a calm, relaxed face and participate in a token way in the games. (Have I mentioned that shower games, bridal or baby, are NOT my cup of tea?) The hostess had everyone taste baby food and guess flavors. I just blindly filled in the card. I really do wish that I was in a place to participate, to be generous enough to host something like that, but I just don’t have it in me. I feel about an inch high…
We didn’t tell my in-laws or SIL about the BFN until Monday. No need to be a wet blanket at the shower AND deliver sad news.
On Sunday, my wonderful, wonderful husband gave me a ‘pass’ on his family’s pre-Passover get together and even called everyone to make excuses for me. He is really incredible – letting me shift between complete hysteria and calm, without blinking an eye. When he got back Sunday evening he looked so sad. Apparently all the conversations had been about babies (both my SIL and his first cousin are pregnant). My heart just went out to him…
So then, Monday morning I flew to Atlanta for my family’s Passover celebration. DH wasn’t able to come thanks to an ear infection – and so we made a decision that I would come and he would spend some time with his mom.
That’s the second time after an IVF-related BFN we’ve spent the week apart.
I miss him terribly and am having some trouble focusing on work this week. In fact, I’m typing a blog post now – at 3:30 on a Wednesday – in a guest office of my company’s Atlanta office.
Today I found out that:
- My SIL just scheduled a c-section on 4/13, so I’ll be an aunt. I’m working *really* hard to create a part of me that is genuinely happy for them – not clouded with jealousy and sadness.
- One of my best friends (and few IRL friends who know what is going on) is pregnant with #2. I know that they started trying in January – and she is 14 weeks along. Yep, that means success out of the gate. Sigh…
As for us, we’re still not sure on next steps, but here’s what we’ve started (or are going to start in the next week):
- Scheduled WTF follow-up appointment on 4/14 (the earliest we could get in!)
- Starting the NY state adoption pre-certification paperwork
- Getting my medical records for a second opinion (still trying to decide where though – perhaps NYU, perhaps the clinic in my neighborhood – Kofinas Infertility Institute, perhaps Reproductive Medicine Associates). I have looked up stats on all of them and it may come down to where we feel comfortable, what is geographically convenient and what takes our insurance. Any thoughts on the clinics?
- Meeting with L. the acupuncturist on 4/5 to determine next steps
- Incorporating exercise back into my weekly routine (the ONLY positive of the BFN)
So that’s it —