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Archive for March, 2010

Update

I work at a PR firm and ironically just received an email about ‘compelling blog headlines’ — but ‘update’ was the best I could do today.

So post BFN, I had a horrible weekend.

My SIL’s baby shower was hard. Very hard. Her other sister-in-law (BIL’s sister) put together an event that clearly required much thought, time and love. I felt like a miserable, jealous idiot because it was all I could do to show up and bring a store-bought gift.  She baked cupcakes and hand-piped flowers (she’s a professional cake decorator AND cop), knit a gorgeous throw, gave everyone gifts and created a slew of personalized games. Plus she gave my SIL a bag full of toys and gifts.

I tried to keep a calm, relaxed face and participate in a token way in the games. (Have I mentioned that shower games, bridal or baby, are NOT my cup of tea?) The hostess had everyone taste baby food and guess flavors. I just blindly filled in the card. I really do wish that I was in a place to participate, to be generous enough to host something like that, but I just don’t have it in me.  I feel about an inch high…

We didn’t tell my in-laws or SIL about the BFN until Monday. No need to be a wet blanket at the shower AND deliver sad news.

On Sunday, my wonderful, wonderful husband gave me a ‘pass’ on his family’s pre-Passover get together and even called everyone to make excuses for me. He is really incredible – letting me shift between complete hysteria and calm, without blinking an eye. When he got back Sunday evening he looked so sad. Apparently all the conversations had been about babies (both my SIL and his first cousin are pregnant). My heart just went out to him…

So then, Monday morning I flew to Atlanta for my family’s Passover celebration. DH wasn’t able to come thanks to an ear infection – and so we made a decision that I would come and he would spend some time with his mom.

That’s the second time after an IVF-related BFN we’ve spent the week apart.

I miss him terribly and am having some trouble focusing on work this week. In fact, I’m typing a blog post now – at 3:30 on a Wednesday – in a guest office of my company’s Atlanta office.

Today I found out that:

  • My SIL just scheduled a c-section on 4/13, so I’ll be an aunt. I’m working *really* hard to create a part of me that is genuinely happy for them – not clouded with jealousy and sadness.
  • One of my best friends (and few IRL friends who know what is going on) is pregnant with #2. I know that they started trying in January – and she is 14 weeks along. Yep, that means success out of the gate. Sigh…

As for us, we’re still not sure on next steps, but here’s what we’ve started (or are going to start in the next week):

  • Scheduled WTF follow-up appointment on 4/14 (the earliest we could get in!)
  • Starting the NY state adoption pre-certification paperwork
  • Getting my medical records for a second opinion (still trying to decide where though – perhaps NYU, perhaps the clinic in my neighborhood – Kofinas Infertility Institute, perhaps Reproductive Medicine Associates). I have looked up stats on all of them and it may come down to where we feel comfortable, what is geographically convenient and what takes our insurance. Any thoughts on the clinics?
  • Meeting with L. the acupuncturist on 4/5 to determine next steps
  • Incorporating exercise back into my weekly routine (the ONLY positive of the BFN)

So that’s it —

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Third time – not the charm

BFN.

No idea why.

Very, very sad.

Off to find a burger, beer and drown my sorrows.

Thanks for all your encouragement and support.

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Thank you

Nothing to report. Seriously. Nothing.

Just wanted to thank everyone for the support and good vibes.

I am wavering between hopeful, trying to be optimistic and all-out worried. I don’t feel anything particularly out of the ordinary. Dr. Google is (as you all may know) not helpful.

And, to answer a few of the questions:

I can’t get out of the shower. Really. It will be 24 hours or so after the news – good or bad.

I probably won’t POAS because I wouldn’t trust the result. What I WILL do is try to listen to the message from the RE’s clinic with DH (vs. having them call me at work like they did the last time – stupid nurse).

I’m going to see my acupuncturist Thursday night, which is the only time that worked between my crazy work schedule and her hours at the temporary new space. Anyone see the WSJ article about acupuncture today?

Also, thought some of you might find this article interesting. My yoga teacher shared it with me.  Even if you aren’t a regular practitioner, these are very relaxing poses.

Hope everyone else is having a speedy week.

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Tick Tock

The day, the week, every minute. I’m in the TWW.

Waiting to feel something. Waiting to see the acupuncturist. Waiting to go in for that all-important blood test.

I’ve been fine. Busy, but resting a LOT … until today.

Today, the antsy, “ready to know, but not ready to know” kicked in.

Now, before you jump in here…I know (from all of your helpful blogs and having been through this before) that there are no real, tell-all symptoms, but I have been feeling full, run down and … well, full.

Could it be good? Should I dare have hope? Trying really, really hard not to.

But I’m also very worried because I have to attend my SIL’s baby shower on Saturday (post-blood test) and then a family event with not one, but two pregnant ladies on Sunday. Then, in Atlanta all of next week for Passover – with the whole family.

Tick, tock, tick, tock

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Resting

Thanks to everyone for the fabulous support. I’m home, resting on the couch and hoping, wishing, praying, willing these two embies to stick!

My acupuncturist, L., made a house call last night (she is fabulous) since she has left her clinic and her new space isn’t ready yet. For those who are curious, it was actually cheaper than an office visit. I thought it would be more relaxing, but it really wasn’t because I was feeling like I should be a hostess and worried that the cat would come in the room. We focused on opening my uterus and getting it prepared to accept today’s transfer. The cat (a.k.a. ‘the monster’) did come in toward the end and was clearly watching out for me following every movement L. made as she removed the needles.

This morning I was up and out early. Met my client at a conference, staffed two interviews with Forbes & BusinessWeek reporters and then, at 2 handed him off to a colleague and jumped in a cab. Made it up to the hospital for a 3:15 transfer and by 4:30 was laying in the recovery room. For the first time, had no problem getting a cab home and by 5:30 was in sweats at home. Ordered delivery for dinner and am now enjoying our wireless with a purring cat by my leg.

Two embryos thawed successfully and made it through the catheter. My doctor was on duty today and seemed pretty upbeat.

So tomorrow I see L. for a post-transfer treatment to move energy & blood to the uterus. Come on embies…stick!

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Nervous

It’s here. Transfer week. Tuesday’s the big day and I’ll have to go straight from a client conference to the hospital.

I’m nervous, not feeling as optimistic as I would like — and constantly going over whether I have done everything that I possibly can to lead to success.

I spent Saturday alternately drenched in NY’s torrential downpours and doing errands. I did get to my spin class (and couldn’t help myself from thinking – this could be the last spin class for a while – I hope, I hope, I hope). Got my nails done and bikini waxed (no use in feeling sloppy this week while everything is exposed on the table). Had a nice dinner with DH at a new bar & grill in our neighborhood – where I contemplated ordering a drink, but decided that it wasn’t worth it. Want that uterine environment to be perfect (yes, I realize that one glass of wine doesn’t make a huge impact, but what if?)

Today I started the medrol & tetracycline to prepare for the transfer on Tuesday. I also drove with some friends to visit other friends and their new baby in Cherry Hill, NJ. Held a 5 week old for many hours willing him to tell my body and the universe that I am ready.

I did, however, miss my yoga class today, which is a bit of a bummer since I had done a private session with my teacher  last Sunday to explore vinyasas and breathing that could help with IF. I was looking forward to taking her regular class, but the traffic back across the city and into Brooklyn was heavy.

This week is also very busy with work and DH will be in Arizona for his job. So, I’m focused on doing everything I can to put myself at ease, do the things I know I should (including acupuncture both Monday night and Wednesday morning) and just – be positive.

If you are a regular reader, comment often, lurk or just happened upon this blog today, any luck you can send my way would be most appreciated.

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I just realized that I left off at quite a cliff-hanger: a reset cycle.

(Okay, so perhaps you aren’t hanging on my every word, but believe me, it was a moment.)

Let me recap the last couple of weeks (but without all the work drama)*:

*All daily monitoring requires a 5 a.m. wake up and hour-plus trip from Brooklyn to the UES

  • Started monitoring on cd9 (Sunday, March 7)
  • Estrogen rising, lining thickening
  • Started peeing in a cup every two hours to detect the LH surge (Tuesday, March 9)
  • Carried said urine sampling kit around Manhattan for THREE days (Tuesday – Thursday)
  • Attended funeral for drummer in DH’s band (Wednesday, March 10, see “very sad” below)
  • Left urine samples in bag at office, hired car to take me back to work & home (Wednesday, March 10)
  • Continued crack-of-dawn monitoring through cd13 (Thursday, March 11)
  • Clinic detected LH surge (Thursday, March 11)
  • Saw acupuncturist in her new temporary space (Thursday, March 11)
  • Scheduled transfer for Tuesday, March 16
  • Made up lame excuse to pass off a client meeting, vague references to “medical issue” (Friday, March 12)

Not sure if I have mentioned this before, but my office is an open plan. Everyone – including the CEO – has a cubicle. We share a fridge. So for three days this week I had to pee in a cup, measure my urine and then pour some into a vial, that needed to be refrigerated. So between client calls, meetings and actually trying to work I kept sneaking off to visit the fridge, pick up the supplies and hustle them to the largest stall in the ladies bathroom. Then, after peeing in the plastic cup, filling out the label and putting everything into a bio-hazard bag, I had to quickly run to the sink to rinse the cup and dry it before anyone walked in. Let’s just say that I am thrilled that now I can just go when I need to – no supplies needed!

The things we do – sigh…

Very Sad:

Despite my own self-absorbed challenges, the real event of the week was that the drummer in one of DH’s bands passed away unexpectedly. Early 50s, two 20-something kids, loving wife. DH is doing an executive MBA with his wife and so we went to the funeral in Westchester on Wednesday. He was a doctor and clearly an important part of the community. The church was filled with police offices, utility workers, friends & family. Everyone talked about his laugh, his warm sense of humor. So, so sad.

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