Archive for the ‘TTC’ Category

The same tune again…

….yep, another BFN.

DH and I are devastated.

For those still reading and keeping count, some numbers:

Fresh cycle #4 was a fail, along with fresh cycles 1, 2, and 3…not to mention frozen cycles 1 & 2.

I’m guessing that Dr. TAL will (again) be stumped…as were doctors #1 and #2.

I’m also guessing that the numbers – the out of pockets costs – are going to be significant. We’ve gone through our lifetime max on insurance carrier #2…as we did on insurance carrier #1.


But, buried deep in my grieving soul is a slight glimmer that we WILL be parents. I just need to lick my wounds, potentially mourn the loss of my chance to carry a child, experience pregnancy. Just a day or two before hatching a new plan. Details to come. Curled up on the couch for now.


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101st Post

Word Press just informed me that this is my 101st post on this blog. Sometimes it’s the little things….

Today was a 5-day transfer of three little embryos. Dr. TAL had recommended an aggressive approach (given my age – now 34 – and utter failure to ever achieve a pregnancy). The doctor on duty today told me that the three embryos were ‘fair’ – grade C for two and one not developed enough for a grade. So, we did the deed and now I suppose I am PUPO. My amazing acupuncturist made a house call this afternoon so hopefully all qi is helping something stick.

My birthday weekend was. Yep, that’s right. I was chaperoning my mother-in-law while DH was at a bachelor party in New Orleans at Jazz Fest. Sigh. I did my best to pack the schedule so we checked out the cherry blossom festival at the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens, visited my sister-in-law and her son, saw Water For Elephants, ate and walked a lot. A few asked if this was my choice … and the answer … no, not really, but at the end of the day it did pass the time.

So the next 10 days will include lots of pineapple, attempts to keep calm and wishes/prayers/hopes.

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The stats

The numbers are in – and I’m cautiously optimistic.

27 retrieved

16 fertilized with ICSI

14 embryos

Tomorrow or Sunday could be the transfer so I’m going for an acupuncture treatment tomorrow morning before work and then I have one scheduled for Saturday afternoon.

And what’s on tap for this weekend? My mother-in-law is staying with me for three days while DH is in New Orleans for a bachelor party at Jazz Fest. Apparently my mother-in-law thought it was sad that I was spending my birthday alone. Yep, that’s right. Saturday I turn 34.

Here we go again.

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Overdue update

Hmmm – somehow it is not only April, but almost the END of April – and I’ve been extremely delinquient in posting, commenting and participating in the blogosphere in general. Apologies to anyone who is still around!

Much to say and thus bullets seem in order:

  • We got going on another IVF cycle – #4 – which is our last that is covered by insurance. (DH’s work thankfully switched carriers after the first two cycles!)
  • So far, despite having been out-of-town for the first 10 days – thus was essentially stimming unsupervised (long story) – I seem to be in good shape. (Note – I was only unsupervised for 4 days – I just reread that and it looks like I am doing a rogue cycle! I essentially missed one monitoring WITH my doctor’s approval)
  • Due to monitoring both weekend days – and some AWFUL weather – we ended up not traveling upstate for my nephew’s first birthday, which was both sad and also sort of a relief (yes, I’m a bad aunt sometimes….when the little green monster on my shoulder is acting up).
  • Went in for blood work and u/s this morning and the doctor on duty commented that I am responding well. I held my tongue and didn’t mention that I always respond well – but something else seems to be going on. We’ll see what they are able to retrieve and fertilize.
  • Trigger shot is tonight at 11:30 p.m. and I had the nurse draw a big circle on my rear so DH won’t miss!
  • Retrieval is on Tuesday morning…
  • DH is going to a bachelor party at Jazz Fest on Friday and his mother is coming to visit for MY birthday. Not exactly what I wanted this year, but her heart’s in the right place. I’m currently working on a packed itinerary to both pass the TWW and keep MIL busy!

So, though I don’t deserve it based on my own participation in the blogging community these past few months – I would REALLY appreciate any prayers, vibes, juju, etc. for a BFP this go-round.

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Pop culture conspiring?

[Warning, a rambling post…a small window into the mess that is my thinking process these days]

* Did you ever think that pop culture was conspiring to make things harder? I’m a long-time fan of Grey’s Anatomy and have watched the show through all of the melodramatic ups and downs. But this latest storyline, with Meredith on fertility drugs pushed me a bit far this week. While I do think they’re handling it well – including showing some of the irrational thinking we all go through (e.g., if someone else is pregnant, I’ve lost my chance) – I did find myself crying multiple times during the show.

* This week brought a little healing after last week’s BFN, but DH and I don’t know where to go from here. IVF #4? Start the paperwork for an adoption? Both?

* On the IVF #4 front, we have a little bit of money left that insurance will pay for – and Dr. TAL (along with RE#1 and RE#2) is stumped. He is really encouraging us to do another cycle – which would start mid-March. I’m turning 34, so it feels like we should go forward with at least one more while the money is available and I’m still (reproductively speaking) young.

* On the adoption front, we’ve already met with an attorney that we like and so all we have to do to start the process is send her a check to ‘retain’ her … and then the NY state paperwork, home-study process takes about 3 months. We attended an all-day adoption seminar about 14 months ago and are pretty sure we’d do a domestic adoption.

* The bottom line is that we want to be parents. We’ll get there, but it’s really hard to figure out how. And to keep my chin up when we live in a neighborhood FULL of kids, are surrounded by friends and acquaintances with seemingly endless Facebook updates about new pregnancies, babies and funny things their kids say.

* Tomorrow DH’s sister is bringing her 10-month old over to celebrate DH’s birthday. She knows about last week’s BFN and I’m really on the fence about whether I want to get together, but I’m burying that feeling and keeping a smile on my face for DH’s family. That’s what he wants.

* And finally, we have some gift certificates to Borders, which is in bankruptcy. Any suggestions of good adoption books to look into?

Happy President’s weekend to those of you that are still reading…

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What would it feel like…

…to get a call with positive results?

We still don’t know.

The call came today – our fifth (assisted) BFN.

Our 39th BFN since we officially tossed the birth control.

But who’s counting right?

Angry. Sad. Upset. Unsure about the next step.

Check. Check. Check. And, check.

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It’s Saturday and I’m resting with two embies (hopefully) getting to know their surroundings. A day-three transfer yesterday mid-day seemed to go well. It was mildly funny that I literally just left work around lunch, no explanation, and got back in time for a 2:30 meeting.

The doctor on duty, who I had seen once before, recommended transferring three embryos. One was a ‘perfect’ 8-cell and the other two were 4- and 5-cell ‘questionable’ embryos. None of the other 5 fertilized eggs made it – so no reserves this round.

DH and I had discussed this and since I’m still young (33) and presumably healthy (three doctors have yet to tell us what’s wrong over the course of 3+ years), we opted for two embryos. So, the 8-cell and 4-cell came home with us. The doctor seemed skeptical, commenting that two failed fresh cycles and two failed frozen transfers should cause us to want to be more aggressive. However, both failed fresh cycles and all but the last frozen transfer were with CRMI, so technically this is RMA’s ‘first’ cycle. The push to be more aggressive seemed unnecessary at this point. I’m glad we stuck to our plan.

We went out to dinner at a neighborhood fish restaurant (where I ate lots of green veggies and soup) and then bought a pineapple on our way home.

So today I’m enjoying resting on our couch, reading an amazing book (Outcasts United, about a refugee soccer team in Georgia) and praying, wishing, hoping that this works.

Thanks for all the encouragement!

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