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Bad blogging

I’m still here. Just very little to say.

We’re waiting for my period so we can get started on the next cycle. Apparently insurance has one more left for us. Hope it’s the one…

[Warning, a rambling post…a small window into the mess that is my thinking process these days]

* Did you ever think that pop culture was conspiring to make things harder? I’m a long-time fan of Grey’s Anatomy and have watched the show through all of the melodramatic ups and downs. But this latest storyline, with Meredith on fertility drugs pushed me a bit far this week. While I do think they’re handling it well – including showing some of the irrational thinking we all go through (e.g., if someone else is pregnant, I’ve lost my chance) – I did find myself crying multiple times during the show.

* This week brought a little healing after last week’s BFN, but DH and I don’t know where to go from here. IVF #4? Start the paperwork for an adoption? Both?

* On the IVF #4 front, we have a little bit of money left that insurance will pay for – and Dr. TAL (along with RE#1 and RE#2) is stumped. He is really encouraging us to do another cycle – which would start mid-March. I’m turning 34, so it feels like we should go forward with at least one more while the money is available and I’m still (reproductively speaking) young.

* On the adoption front, we’ve already met with an attorney that we like and so all we have to do to start the process is send her a check to ‘retain’ her … and then the NY state paperwork, home-study process takes about 3 months. We attended an all-day adoption seminar about 14 months ago and are pretty sure we’d do a domestic adoption.

* The bottom line is that we want to be parents. We’ll get there, but it’s really hard to figure out how. And to keep my chin up when we live in a neighborhood FULL of kids, are surrounded by friends and acquaintances with seemingly endless Facebook updates about new pregnancies, babies and funny things their kids say.

* Tomorrow DH’s sister is bringing her 10-month old over to celebrate DH’s birthday. She knows about last week’s BFN and I’m really on the fence about whether I want to get together, but I’m burying that feeling and keeping a smile on my face for DH’s family. That’s what he wants.

* And finally, we have some gift certificates to Borders, which is in bankruptcy. Any suggestions of good adoption books to look into?

Happy President’s weekend to those of you that are still reading…

…to get a call with positive results?

We still don’t know.

The call came today – our fifth (assisted) BFN.

Our 39th BFN since we officially tossed the birth control.

But who’s counting right?

Angry. Sad. Upset. Unsure about the next step.

Check. Check. Check. And, check.

Incubating?

It’s Saturday and I’m resting with two embies (hopefully) getting to know their surroundings. A day-three transfer yesterday mid-day seemed to go well. It was mildly funny that I literally just left work around lunch, no explanation, and got back in time for a 2:30 meeting.

The doctor on duty, who I had seen once before, recommended transferring three embryos. One was a ‘perfect’ 8-cell and the other two were 4- and 5-cell ‘questionable’ embryos. None of the other 5 fertilized eggs made it – so no reserves this round.

DH and I had discussed this and since I’m still young (33) and presumably healthy (three doctors have yet to tell us what’s wrong over the course of 3+ years), we opted for two embryos. So, the 8-cell and 4-cell came home with us. The doctor seemed skeptical, commenting that two failed fresh cycles and two failed frozen transfers should cause us to want to be more aggressive. However, both failed fresh cycles and all but the last frozen transfer were with CRMI, so technically this is RMA’s ‘first’ cycle. The push to be more aggressive seemed unnecessary at this point. I’m glad we stuck to our plan.

We went out to dinner at a neighborhood fish restaurant (where I ate lots of green veggies and soup) and then bought a pineapple on our way home.

So today I’m enjoying resting on our couch, reading an amazing book (Outcasts United, about a refugee soccer team in Georgia) and praying, wishing, hoping that this works.

Thanks for all the encouragement!

Forty percent

Well, fertilization report is in. They were able to do ICSI on 12 of the eggs and 8 fertilized. Forty percent, not bad!

So tonight starts the PIO shots and with DH on the road, I’m going solo (for the first time in 2 fresh cycles and 2 frozen cycles). Thankfully I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I think I can do it. At least I hope I can do it!

The snow is falling (again!) in Brooklyn and I’m just hoping that the 8 embies are warm in their petri dish.

Twenty-one

Today was retrieval day and well, they got 21 eggs. I knew I was feeling full!

DH is away for two nights for work (he left right after getting me home) and then, post-retrieval I had to get dressed to staff client meetings. The upshot? I’m JUST now getting to relax on the couch.

So, here’s hoping that lots of the eggs fertilzed…and that they make it to a five-day transfer…and most importantly that the end result is a healthy pregnancy and baby.

Ohio and the TSA

I don’t travel much for work, but for some reason I seem to have been on the road during every assisted cycle over the last couple of years. So, here I am, in Dublin, Ohio (outside of Columbus) with a slew of needles and two days of client meetings.

Since I’m on Follistim, Menopur and Lupron (three to five needles per day if you count the pen) and was traveling with a liquify-ing cold thing for the Follistim, I thought it wise to get a letter from the clinic for TSA. Given that I live in NYC, you’d think that they would be a bit more vigilant about security, but when I mentioned I had needles for medical reasons, the guy just waved me through. So, lots of stress for nothing…

Before I left for the airport this afternoon we had brunch with some out-of-town friends, who were very clearly avoiding the whole infertility conversation. I think my friend knows we’ve been trying for a while and DH thinks she just didn’t know what to say. (That said, she did ask how much we pay in rent each month, so it wasn’t politeness!)

So, I think I’ll just do tonight’s shots and kick back in my hotel room overlooking the highway. Any recommendations for the greater Columbus area would be welcome!